Living with Depression vol 2

Guilt, Anger and Paranoia

My three by-products of depression. My (GAP) to a relatively trouble free mind. Every person is different and every person has their own demons. These are mine and they are strong and powerful enemies unless controlled.

Guilt

My guilt is endless and is not only constant towards my wife, family and friends, but also to anyone and everyone who has tried to help me. People say that "you would do the same for me", which is true, however, doesn't stop the guilt. If i do something for someone else, then that is fine. If someone does something for me then i don't know how to deal with it. I HATE putting people out, needing people's help and asking for handouts, yet this has been my life for 2 1/2 years. I can recognise that everyone needs help sometimes, but my guilt reflex doesn't let my brain allow it. It got so bad i was apologising (still do sometimes) to my wife for things that i not only didn't need to but also for things i hadn't done. I'd apologise for the binmen being late or for going to bed early or even doing something good. If you have ever watched Star Wars you will know that guilt leads to...

Anger

 I'm not an angry person, used to be laid back and calm 24/7. i get frustrated with my condition often and this leads to anger. Not violence, but real pit of the stomach anger directed mostly at myself for being ill, afraid, self-conscious, low, apprehensive, frustrated, unable to concentrate, forgetful, useless, nice, nasty, selfish, wrong and virtually anything which usurped the vision of what i should be. I created this "Big Dave" character as a defense mechanism years ago, don't get me wrong, it's me but a me that i can only be infrequently as the parameters of "Big Dave" are impossible. No one can consistently live up to the person i need to be and my inner critique is unmerciful and brutal.

Paranoia

A by product of everything. Who needs weed to feel paranoid when its always there. Silly thing is sometimes my paranoia that people are constantly laughing, pointing and fed up of me is not rational. There isn't a cloud around me or an Ora which tells people I'm ill, and people aren't plotting against me. Trouble added to guilt and anger, the trio is dangerous and linked directly to my psyche and well being. Are you looking at me?

Not every depressed person feels like this I'm sure, some will some will feel differently and if you know someone - go to this website http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/