Whatever I'll be will not be enough
I will search the earth for meaning
I will squander time and let you down
I am not perfect, but seek perfection.
I am not as moral as my persona
I am not as nice, thoughtful or loving.
I will never be satisfied with me
I will never love as strong as I do now
I won't ever be weaker as I was.
I lack the ambition to make it
I lack the aggression to rise up
I lack the foresight to know when.
I am a shadow of my potential
I am a cynic and lack knowledge
I am a product of modern living
Too educated to fit in
Not educated enough to understand why. I love the right people
I have pride in my ability to fight
I have learnt honour and humanity
I protect what I love unconditionally
I try and spare feelings before I act
I hug
I listen
I can advise
I can motivate
I can laugh
I can feel
I can hurt
I worry
I panic
I am human
Some humans make me sick
I can celebrate
I can be and can confuse
I love I love I love
I can be happy.
Thursday, 14 February 2013
Friday, 8 February 2013
seseme
Formidable and ensuing fables of life
gradually appease the senses
reactionary response to biased affiliates
our minds carnivorous foe
will end investigation
and close the open mind.
sailing away from oppressive stigma
burning inquisitive thoughts
shall suffer from the mind's failures
and all that is left is dead.
Open the magical, spacial and inevitable
feed from the spark which ensues.
gradually appease the senses
reactionary response to biased affiliates
our minds carnivorous foe
will end investigation
and close the open mind.
sailing away from oppressive stigma
burning inquisitive thoughts
shall suffer from the mind's failures
and all that is left is dead.
Open the magical, spacial and inevitable
feed from the spark which ensues.
The Beauty of disorder
life can only exist for a tenth of a thousandth of a percent of the life of the universe. Everything will eventually disintegrate into disorder and nothing will exist for ever.
The arrow of time means that nothing in the past will be the same in the future. The paradox principle means we cannot go back and change the past.
Psychologically speaking, this would be quite depressing and kind of upsetting. But I say this is magical. It means we are part of the glorious journey of the universe. We are made from the matter created by dead and dying stars billions of years in the past and our atoms will eventually be re-incarnated into thousands of beings, plants, rocks and matter spanning the entire universe.
Science and physics are beautiful.
The arrow of time means that nothing in the past will be the same in the future. The paradox principle means we cannot go back and change the past.
Psychologically speaking, this would be quite depressing and kind of upsetting. But I say this is magical. It means we are part of the glorious journey of the universe. We are made from the matter created by dead and dying stars billions of years in the past and our atoms will eventually be re-incarnated into thousands of beings, plants, rocks and matter spanning the entire universe.
Science and physics are beautiful.
Monday, 4 February 2013
Religion: a viewpoint
Religion.
My thoughts have changed over the years. I used to get angry with people who had faith, thought they were backward, unintelligent and delusional. I used to have real passion in being so against religion that i felt i was superior because i could see the real truth. I see it on twitter, the arguments between religious and nonreligious people, don’t get me wrong i enjoy an argument (i’m a history graduate) and am still no theist. I describe myself as an atheist on Facebook, but this is not strictly true. Re-reading Richard Dawkins i keep on reading this quote and realise i have to change my status:
“Let us remind ourselves of the terminology. A theist believes in a supernatural intelligence who, in addition to his main work of creating the universe in the first place, is still around to oversee and influence the subsequent fate of his initial creation. In many theistic belief systems, the deity is intimately involved in human affairs. He answers prayers; forgives or punishes sins; intervenes in the world by performing miracles; frets about good and bad deeds, and knows when we do them (or even think about doing them). A deist, too, believes in a supernatural intelligence, but one whose activities were confined to setting up the laws that govern the universe in the first place. The deist God never intervenes thereafter, and certainly has no specific interest in human affairs. Pantheists don't believe in a supernatural God at all, but use the word God as a non-supernatural synonym for Nature, or for the Universe, or for the lawfulness that governs its workings. Deists differ from theists in that their God does not answer prayers, is not interested in sins or confessions, does not read our thoughts and does not intervene with capricious miracles. Deists differ from pantheists in that the deist God is some kind of cosmic intelligence, rather than the pantheists metaphoric or poetic synonym for the laws of the universe. Pantheism is sexed-up atheism. Deism is watered-down theism.”
― Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
I think according to this I’m a slightly diluted pantheist. I don’t use the word God, but use words like nature, order from chaos, chaos from order and physics both Quantum and theoretical to view my place in the universe. I love the beauty of the universe and the way that something as simple as warming up your hands means that you are in contact with all the electrons of the universe simultaneously. I am stardust and 90 odd percent of me is replaced over the course of my life, meaning that hardly anything remains of the me that tripped in a car park at 5 years old and split my head open on a car exhaust. Science is beautiful and full of wonder and for believers, so is religion. I don’t get angry anymore and realise the good that comes out of religion, but get increasingly frustrated at the so called “theists” using religion to be shitty to other people.
Positive Religious Aspects
Why I Hate some aspects of religion
Of course it is a reflection of humanity at this stage that the few can destroy the many, however, how anyone over the generations can kill/maim/hurt/torture/destroy/bully in the name of religion seriously misinterpreted their role.
It all comes down to this in my opinion. If we cannot respect and tolerate all beliefs and lifestyles which do not hurt others, then humanity is destined to destroy itself both inside and out.
My thoughts have changed over the years. I used to get angry with people who had faith, thought they were backward, unintelligent and delusional. I used to have real passion in being so against religion that i felt i was superior because i could see the real truth. I see it on twitter, the arguments between religious and nonreligious people, don’t get me wrong i enjoy an argument (i’m a history graduate) and am still no theist. I describe myself as an atheist on Facebook, but this is not strictly true. Re-reading Richard Dawkins i keep on reading this quote and realise i have to change my status:
“Let us remind ourselves of the terminology. A theist believes in a supernatural intelligence who, in addition to his main work of creating the universe in the first place, is still around to oversee and influence the subsequent fate of his initial creation. In many theistic belief systems, the deity is intimately involved in human affairs. He answers prayers; forgives or punishes sins; intervenes in the world by performing miracles; frets about good and bad deeds, and knows when we do them (or even think about doing them). A deist, too, believes in a supernatural intelligence, but one whose activities were confined to setting up the laws that govern the universe in the first place. The deist God never intervenes thereafter, and certainly has no specific interest in human affairs. Pantheists don't believe in a supernatural God at all, but use the word God as a non-supernatural synonym for Nature, or for the Universe, or for the lawfulness that governs its workings. Deists differ from theists in that their God does not answer prayers, is not interested in sins or confessions, does not read our thoughts and does not intervene with capricious miracles. Deists differ from pantheists in that the deist God is some kind of cosmic intelligence, rather than the pantheists metaphoric or poetic synonym for the laws of the universe. Pantheism is sexed-up atheism. Deism is watered-down theism.”
― Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion
I think according to this I’m a slightly diluted pantheist. I don’t use the word God, but use words like nature, order from chaos, chaos from order and physics both Quantum and theoretical to view my place in the universe. I love the beauty of the universe and the way that something as simple as warming up your hands means that you are in contact with all the electrons of the universe simultaneously. I am stardust and 90 odd percent of me is replaced over the course of my life, meaning that hardly anything remains of the me that tripped in a car park at 5 years old and split my head open on a car exhaust. Science is beautiful and full of wonder and for believers, so is religion. I don’t get angry anymore and realise the good that comes out of religion, but get increasingly frustrated at the so called “theists” using religion to be shitty to other people.
Positive Religious Aspects
- People need to group together for support, religion provides this in abundance.
- Charity - part of Muslim’s pay goes towards charity, Salvation Army, helps people suffering around the world Etc..
- Most religions promote peace, love harmony and respect.
- Tries to answer humanities most basic and important questions.
- In part provides a moral compass from which the laws of most countries have come from.
- Provides a comfort for the end of life in the form of an afterlife.
- Great architecture
- Inspired some historical greats (Ghandi, MLK,)
- Great artwork
Why I Hate some aspects of religion
- Millions of unnecessary tortures, deaths and suppression of any kind of opposite thought or teaching.
- Is still causing some of the deaths in Africa and around the world through not moving with the times (condom use).
- People misinterpret to cause pain and suffering to those different to themselves. (Not very new testament)
- Watches children die of poverty whilst hoarding Billions of pounds worth of riches gathering dust.
- People use the passages in the holy books to determine who is worthy and who is not whilst disregarding others. A very hypocritical example is Leviticus and Exodus. Watch this as it explains far better than i can. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSXJzybEeJM
- Being anything other than Theist requires just as much as being anything else. Both sides should respect other people’s views.
- Using religion as an excuse not to save lives.
- Using religion to indoctrinate people/family let them make their own decision that is informed and their own choice.
- Making religion an enemy of science - they both try to answer the same questions.
- Different beliefs should be embraced not ostracised. How else can peace be achieved unless we respect others.
Of course it is a reflection of humanity at this stage that the few can destroy the many, however, how anyone over the generations can kill/maim/hurt/torture/destroy/bully in the name of religion seriously misinterpreted their role.
It all comes down to this in my opinion. If we cannot respect and tolerate all beliefs and lifestyles which do not hurt others, then humanity is destined to destroy itself both inside and out.
Sunday, 3 February 2013
My (exact) 100 word story
Nathan's faith had never wavered before, and now at the ultimate test he was lacking.
He lay staring at the words printed on his bible and felt his eyes water. The words that once comforted and caressed his belief were replaced by regrets. His anger at every wasted breath, his wayward daughter and his wife, Josephine, lost and unknowing of his fate. A body, diseased withered and shrivelled. A mind once sure now tired, laboured,
so heartily unsatisfied. A wasted sacrifice with no real love, connection or place in this world. His last breaths would be taken alone and scared.
He lay staring at the words printed on his bible and felt his eyes water. The words that once comforted and caressed his belief were replaced by regrets. His anger at every wasted breath, his wayward daughter and his wife, Josephine, lost and unknowing of his fate. A body, diseased withered and shrivelled. A mind once sure now tired, laboured,
so heartily unsatisfied. A wasted sacrifice with no real love, connection or place in this world. His last breaths would be taken alone and scared.
Thursday, 31 January 2013
Forever to struggle
An interpretation of silence
Reeks with noise so full
An interpretation of life
Reeks with solace and death
Fermenting the deep wells of the soul
Is an interpretation of impossibility.
Desire is short lived, whilst anguish remains
Forever encompassed in bubbles unbreakable
Minds evolved to quick to realise
The truelly important creole.
The modern survival of power and trade
Robs the imagination of wonder, light and space
Maybe one day we will evolve to see with real eyes
Feel with modest understanding
And think with free, peaceful resplendence.
Reeks with noise so full
An interpretation of life
Reeks with solace and death
Fermenting the deep wells of the soul
Is an interpretation of impossibility.
Desire is short lived, whilst anguish remains
Forever encompassed in bubbles unbreakable
Minds evolved to quick to realise
The truelly important creole.
The modern survival of power and trade
Robs the imagination of wonder, light and space
Maybe one day we will evolve to see with real eyes
Feel with modest understanding
And think with free, peaceful resplendence.
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Why I can't just be happy volume1
Firstly, sorry for not writing for a while (for anyone enjoying my rumblings).
I have been thinking though, so expect future posts on money, power, religion and politics. I will not pull my punches anymore as I intend to air my opinions on a lot of important (or not) stuff. Some things you may agree upon, some you may not.
Been a little pissed off this week or so. Wanting to write but have shrunk into my safe place and became a recluse. I did however, enter myself into a writing competition from the readers digest. It is a 100 word story competition. Think I've done ok, and will post it up after the competition ends.
So, on to topic. Firstly, and pretty poignant at the moment, my career Erm... Choices for want of a better word. It would seem that I don't value most of the work I've done as particularly time well spent. For a couple of years I felt at home in a college, but then found out quite brutally that teaching was not the choice for me.
I enjoy helping people, but customer service in the retail sector really does just grind away at my patience to the point where it is now psychologically damaging
I need a job where I make a difference in people's lives, one which encompasses my skills. I enjoy writing, counselling, helping and making a difference. This is not easy.
I put great emphasis on these traits and if I can't do something which I can be proud to tell someone without feeling embarrassed or hypocritical, then this gets me down. I have issues with certain industries and this does limit my options
What I do is important and this is why I cannot rest in 'just a job'. I envy the people who do.
I have been thinking though, so expect future posts on money, power, religion and politics. I will not pull my punches anymore as I intend to air my opinions on a lot of important (or not) stuff. Some things you may agree upon, some you may not.
Been a little pissed off this week or so. Wanting to write but have shrunk into my safe place and became a recluse. I did however, enter myself into a writing competition from the readers digest. It is a 100 word story competition. Think I've done ok, and will post it up after the competition ends.
So, on to topic. Firstly, and pretty poignant at the moment, my career Erm... Choices for want of a better word. It would seem that I don't value most of the work I've done as particularly time well spent. For a couple of years I felt at home in a college, but then found out quite brutally that teaching was not the choice for me.
I enjoy helping people, but customer service in the retail sector really does just grind away at my patience to the point where it is now psychologically damaging
I need a job where I make a difference in people's lives, one which encompasses my skills. I enjoy writing, counselling, helping and making a difference. This is not easy.
I put great emphasis on these traits and if I can't do something which I can be proud to tell someone without feeling embarrassed or hypocritical, then this gets me down. I have issues with certain industries and this does limit my options
What I do is important and this is why I cannot rest in 'just a job'. I envy the people who do.
Friday, 18 January 2013
Living with Depression vol 2
Guilt, Anger and Paranoia
My three by-products of depression. My (GAP) to a relatively trouble free mind. Every person is different and every person has their own demons. These are mine and they are strong and powerful enemies unless controlled.
Guilt
My guilt is endless and is not only constant towards my wife, family and friends, but also to anyone and everyone who has tried to help me. People say that "you would do the same for me", which is true, however, doesn't stop the guilt. If i do something for someone else, then that is fine. If someone does something for me then i don't know how to deal with it. I HATE putting people out, needing people's help and asking for handouts, yet this has been my life for 2 1/2 years. I can recognise that everyone needs help sometimes, but my guilt reflex doesn't let my brain allow it. It got so bad i was apologising (still do sometimes) to my wife for things that i not only didn't need to but also for things i hadn't done. I'd apologise for the binmen being late or for going to bed early or even doing something good. If you have ever watched Star Wars you will know that guilt leads to...
Anger
I'm not an angry person, used to be laid back and calm 24/7. i get frustrated with my condition often and this leads to anger. Not violence, but real pit of the stomach anger directed mostly at myself for being ill, afraid, self-conscious, low, apprehensive, frustrated, unable to concentrate, forgetful, useless, nice, nasty, selfish, wrong and virtually anything which usurped the vision of what i should be. I created this "Big Dave" character as a defense mechanism years ago, don't get me wrong, it's me but a me that i can only be infrequently as the parameters of "Big Dave" are impossible. No one can consistently live up to the person i need to be and my inner critique is unmerciful and brutal.
Paranoia
A by product of everything. Who needs weed to feel paranoid when its always there. Silly thing is sometimes my paranoia that people are constantly laughing, pointing and fed up of me is not rational. There isn't a cloud around me or an Ora which tells people I'm ill, and people aren't plotting against me. Trouble added to guilt and anger, the trio is dangerous and linked directly to my psyche and well being. Are you looking at me?
Not every depressed person feels like this I'm sure, some will some will feel differently and if you know someone - go to this website http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/
My three by-products of depression. My (GAP) to a relatively trouble free mind. Every person is different and every person has their own demons. These are mine and they are strong and powerful enemies unless controlled.
Guilt
My guilt is endless and is not only constant towards my wife, family and friends, but also to anyone and everyone who has tried to help me. People say that "you would do the same for me", which is true, however, doesn't stop the guilt. If i do something for someone else, then that is fine. If someone does something for me then i don't know how to deal with it. I HATE putting people out, needing people's help and asking for handouts, yet this has been my life for 2 1/2 years. I can recognise that everyone needs help sometimes, but my guilt reflex doesn't let my brain allow it. It got so bad i was apologising (still do sometimes) to my wife for things that i not only didn't need to but also for things i hadn't done. I'd apologise for the binmen being late or for going to bed early or even doing something good. If you have ever watched Star Wars you will know that guilt leads to...
Anger
I'm not an angry person, used to be laid back and calm 24/7. i get frustrated with my condition often and this leads to anger. Not violence, but real pit of the stomach anger directed mostly at myself for being ill, afraid, self-conscious, low, apprehensive, frustrated, unable to concentrate, forgetful, useless, nice, nasty, selfish, wrong and virtually anything which usurped the vision of what i should be. I created this "Big Dave" character as a defense mechanism years ago, don't get me wrong, it's me but a me that i can only be infrequently as the parameters of "Big Dave" are impossible. No one can consistently live up to the person i need to be and my inner critique is unmerciful and brutal.
Paranoia
A by product of everything. Who needs weed to feel paranoid when its always there. Silly thing is sometimes my paranoia that people are constantly laughing, pointing and fed up of me is not rational. There isn't a cloud around me or an Ora which tells people I'm ill, and people aren't plotting against me. Trouble added to guilt and anger, the trio is dangerous and linked directly to my psyche and well being. Are you looking at me?
Not every depressed person feels like this I'm sure, some will some will feel differently and if you know someone - go to this website http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/
Thursday, 17 January 2013
Insomnia
Insomnia. Annoying, yes but it does give you time to think. Dog snoring, wife asleep. Do I get up and watch the news? No, it's cold outside of the duvet.
Thought - loads of news and things going on in the world. Obama and guns, London helicopter crash and 20 stories where some humans make me sick. Am I the only one who sees the news as it is for the most part, just a platform to show the lowest of human life. Where are the waterskiing squirrels? Where are the the stories of hope? I suppose it's like the soaps, no entertainment in showing happy people. No wonder our view of the world can be cynical and bleak.
Thought - loads of news and things going on in the world. Obama and guns, London helicopter crash and 20 stories where some humans make me sick. Am I the only one who sees the news as it is for the most part, just a platform to show the lowest of human life. Where are the waterskiing squirrels? Where are the the stories of hope? I suppose it's like the soaps, no entertainment in showing happy people. No wonder our view of the world can be cynical and bleak.
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Connections
Following on from my universe large = small things important blog.
I think it might have been the Kevin smith film "Dogma" (great film) that mentioned about connections.
Thinking that connections are vital to our happiness and well being. Probably the reason why social media can be phenomenal or crushing. Depression makes you sink into your sofa, scared to put yourself out there and connect with people. You cut off friends and family thinking "why the hell would they want anything to do with me", and so almost revel in loneliness. Social meetings are vital to our well being and are so hard for people who are depressed to initiate.
So my point is forget the little crap that surrounds us. Focus on the fact that if you can connect with those who you care about in a positive way we can begin to build pockets of positivity which will protect us.
I think it might have been the Kevin smith film "Dogma" (great film) that mentioned about connections.
Thinking that connections are vital to our happiness and well being. Probably the reason why social media can be phenomenal or crushing. Depression makes you sink into your sofa, scared to put yourself out there and connect with people. You cut off friends and family thinking "why the hell would they want anything to do with me", and so almost revel in loneliness. Social meetings are vital to our well being and are so hard for people who are depressed to initiate.
So my point is forget the little crap that surrounds us. Focus on the fact that if you can connect with those who you care about in a positive way we can begin to build pockets of positivity which will protect us.
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Dual
A celebration of my sadness,
A damnation of joy
The duality of mind.
The audacity of hope,
The atrocity of desire.
An act of kind.
A cherished nightmare,
A fearful victory,
Welcome inside.
A damnation of joy
The duality of mind.
The audacity of hope,
The atrocity of desire.
An act of kind.
A cherished nightmare,
A fearful victory,
Welcome inside.
Monday, 14 January 2013
Thoughts Volume 1
Science - religion - both quests with the same ending. Maybe the only difference being that religion knows the answers and Science prefers to wait and see.
Time travel impossible back to the past because of paradoxes - what if you went back in time and deleted the word from the dictionary.
If Pinocchio said my nose is going to grow. What would happen?
How do those texts know about my accident?
Why is dyslexic such a hard word to spell?
Can dogs look up?
Time travel impossible back to the past because of paradoxes - what if you went back in time and deleted the word from the dictionary.
If Pinocchio said my nose is going to grow. What would happen?
How do those texts know about my accident?
Why is dyslexic such a hard word to spell?
Can dogs look up?
Sunday, 13 January 2013
Living with depression volume 1
To start with, it's a real pain in the backside. You know when you you have that nervous feeling before a really big exam or when you've forgotten to do something and you know you're in line for a rollicking. It's a bit like that for most of the day, odd times you forget and you can enjoy yourself, but a word, thought, colour, smell or other such thing will bring you crashing down with a thump. It's almost like you're tied to a wall with elastic, you can only go so far before you get snapped back into your proper place.
After extensive therapy and some help, the elastic is lengthened and the wall changes from brick to a padded (cell) wall, yet still it never goes away. I'm on medication for both depression and anxiety, which means I'm not (cured) but constantly fighting. That's how it feels, a battle every day to even do the simplest things. We all say that it's so hard to get out of bed, or faced the day of go to work on a Monday morning, but we still do it and once we do it we're usually fine. Not so for me. Some days I'm scared to get up, some days it's hard to get in the shower, make a coffee and face the world. Everyone looks at me, what if I make a mistake or slip or draw attention to myself. Sometimes, I'll avoid buses or shops if they're too busy and I'll certainly avoid confrontation in any way shape or form. Forget the garlic bread for my meal and I'll not say a word to avoid fuss.
Why? self-worth, confidence, self esteem and fear of failure/embarrassment/mistakes. All of them are real fears and when you have depression, they can become dominant, consuming and perpetuate the feelings of inadequacy which dominate a depressed.
Am I worthy of anything? 2 years ago I couldn't understand why people were helping me, I was a lost cause and someone who people should avoid. Forget that, since secondary school I hardly phoned people for fear that they wouldn't want me inflicting myself on them, still don't. My self loathing beast (for dwarfers out there) was and is huge and unrelenting. Other people had relationships and friendships, I was the hanger on who was nice and everything, but was more fun to taunt and make fun of than be a real human being. Whether this was true or not, it was how I felt and this has forged a real blockage and suppression in my life which tends to leave a person a little scarred.
This has got better in later life, my wife, family and friends (you know who u are) have restored the idea that I'm a worthwhile person and in no small way inspired me to this blog and writing my novel, so thank you!
After extensive therapy and some help, the elastic is lengthened and the wall changes from brick to a padded (cell) wall, yet still it never goes away. I'm on medication for both depression and anxiety, which means I'm not (cured) but constantly fighting. That's how it feels, a battle every day to even do the simplest things. We all say that it's so hard to get out of bed, or faced the day of go to work on a Monday morning, but we still do it and once we do it we're usually fine. Not so for me. Some days I'm scared to get up, some days it's hard to get in the shower, make a coffee and face the world. Everyone looks at me, what if I make a mistake or slip or draw attention to myself. Sometimes, I'll avoid buses or shops if they're too busy and I'll certainly avoid confrontation in any way shape or form. Forget the garlic bread for my meal and I'll not say a word to avoid fuss.
Why? self-worth, confidence, self esteem and fear of failure/embarrassment/mistakes. All of them are real fears and when you have depression, they can become dominant, consuming and perpetuate the feelings of inadequacy which dominate a depressed.
Am I worthy of anything? 2 years ago I couldn't understand why people were helping me, I was a lost cause and someone who people should avoid. Forget that, since secondary school I hardly phoned people for fear that they wouldn't want me inflicting myself on them, still don't. My self loathing beast (for dwarfers out there) was and is huge and unrelenting. Other people had relationships and friendships, I was the hanger on who was nice and everything, but was more fun to taunt and make fun of than be a real human being. Whether this was true or not, it was how I felt and this has forged a real blockage and suppression in my life which tends to leave a person a little scarred.
This has got better in later life, my wife, family and friends (you know who u are) have restored the idea that I'm a worthwhile person and in no small way inspired me to this blog and writing my novel, so thank you!
Carcass
Bereft of light I wander the dark
Fingertips and instinct my guides
And yet hope burns a flickering speck
To explore, I look inside
I'm judged and watched internally
The slightest mistake abhorrent
Damned if I do and spurned when I don't,
I'm swimming against my torrent
My eyes are tired my feet well worn
I long for the release of my fate
The tiny respite of some forgotten delight
Is crushed with memory great
Forlorn and tattered my soul retracts
A slow and searing pain
To fight or run against the tide
To rise and conquer my brain
A battle exists from body and mind
A fever pitched too high
If ever won with my mind at peace
Assured am I to fly.
Saturday, 12 January 2013
Friday, 11 January 2013
Top Fives
OK, top five tunes which make me smile/laugh/cheers me up in no particular order!
1) http://www.youtube.com/
2) http://www.youtube.com/
3) http://www.youtube.com/
4) http://www.youtube.com/
5) http://www.youtube.com/
1) http://www.youtube.com/
2) http://www.youtube.com/
3) http://www.youtube.com/
4) http://www.youtube.com/
5) http://www.youtube.com/
Staying in on Friday night is dangerous
I'm not drunk. Just thought i'd start off with that fact.
I didn't sleep fantastic last night, i have a real problem stopping my mind from racing before i go to sleep. I may have not only decided that the heroines in my novel are immortal, due to being the missing link and developing not only constant reproducing cells but reproducing "telomeres" @ the end of their dna strands.
But also made a decision at some point in my life to enter politics. There are problems with this, apart from the obvious.
1) I hate political parties who refuse to compromise or fail to stick to their principles..
2) In my opinion those who want to enter politics either want fame, power or glory or all three and should be treated with immediate suspicion.
3) I cant morally side with any current political party. Left, right, centre is muddled and to be honest corrupted
4) i want to be honest and perhaps a little sweary
5) I may offend some people who may not totally believe in equality, borders, charity and rehabilitation.
6) I make up my mind with research, argument and logical reasoning.
7) There is no way i can meet Nick Griffin without explaining that Britain has been shaped and made better by immigrants for almost 5000 years. Oh, and shoving a prawn cracker up his left nostril and a chicken tikka chicken bite up his right nostril.
So i will make my own Party - Manifesto to come once i have a few more restless nights -and rise up and liberate Britain under my wonderful philosophies (to come).
What its like (for me) being a depressed!
This is usually just between me and the therapist, but i may use this blog as a cathartic exercise as i cant get to the football so often.
Day to day is a struggle and a fight to get up and get going. It feels like if your life was a dimmer switch, you'd light the room but you would struggle to see exactly what was going on. Sometimes, the room is brightly lit, but before my medication took control I was fumbling around in the dark not caring where the switch was, never-mind looking to find it. Everything i used to enjoy was suppressed and i would go through the emotions of enjoying myself or being sociable or being nice to people. I've felt this way since i was 11 (23 years ago).
I changed when i got to secondary school, through a hell of a lot of bullying, piss taking, confusion, heartache and being let down by the very people i cared about. It effects you, i came from a relatively well off family, loving parents and unfortunately back then, no one recognised the symptoms of depression. Teachers, friends, parents and everyone else put me down as a "problem child" or "weirdo". Fact is i wasn't well, i was forcing and repressing my emotions till they either screwed up my consciousness or erupted in bursts of uncontrolled mayhem, depression or anger.
This has carried on until 2 & half years ago when i was diagnosed and treated. I'm still getting the hang of certain emotions and coming to terms with issues brought up and now suffering with anxiety just as much. But as my wife keeps telling me, i've gone from suicidal to anxious in 2 and a bit years so i suppose i'm improving. Hence this blog i suppose.
Day to day is a struggle and a fight to get up and get going. It feels like if your life was a dimmer switch, you'd light the room but you would struggle to see exactly what was going on. Sometimes, the room is brightly lit, but before my medication took control I was fumbling around in the dark not caring where the switch was, never-mind looking to find it. Everything i used to enjoy was suppressed and i would go through the emotions of enjoying myself or being sociable or being nice to people. I've felt this way since i was 11 (23 years ago).
I changed when i got to secondary school, through a hell of a lot of bullying, piss taking, confusion, heartache and being let down by the very people i cared about. It effects you, i came from a relatively well off family, loving parents and unfortunately back then, no one recognised the symptoms of depression. Teachers, friends, parents and everyone else put me down as a "problem child" or "weirdo". Fact is i wasn't well, i was forcing and repressing my emotions till they either screwed up my consciousness or erupted in bursts of uncontrolled mayhem, depression or anger.
This has carried on until 2 & half years ago when i was diagnosed and treated. I'm still getting the hang of certain emotions and coming to terms with issues brought up and now suffering with anxiety just as much. But as my wife keeps telling me, i've gone from suicidal to anxious in 2 and a bit years so i suppose i'm improving. Hence this blog i suppose.
So, been really taken with astronomy recently and loving stargazing and Prof Brian Cox is genius. so i thought i'd share some mind bending facts about the Universe and the distances involved.
Distance
1) The moon is 384,400 km from Earth
2) Mars is on average 225 million km from the earth.
3) The Sun is 149,600,000 km from the Earth.
4) The edge of the Solar System is approximately 9 billion miles from Earth.
5) We are 26-28000 light years away from the Milky Way's central point. Light travels at 299 792 458 metre's / second.
We are a speck on a speck on a speck of dust in the Universe and distances like those above are just too large to imagine. Can make you feel lonely and empty to think that cosmically, we are very insignificant. Life can be described as a miracle or a planetary disease depending on your outlook, but this i think makes the relationships we have and take part in more, not less important.
If you can look after and be looked after by your nearest and dearest and also show this commitment to the the rest of our species (and dogs) then we may have a future. We can judge Society by looking at how we treat strangers, criminals and people unlucky to have been born outside of a mythical country border drawn by people in power thousands/hundreds/tens of years ago. Of course we can all choose where and when we are born can't we? No...? Or is it just the EDL and other Fascists who think its ok to discriminate by race? Sorry, off on a tangent there.
Anyway, the point being that if you can find a clear spot on a clear night, grab a telescope or binoculars and look up at the night sky. Not only is it a breathtaking sight, you are also time travelling! The images you are seeing can be minutes, hours or hundreds, thousands, millions and billions of years old depending on how far they are away and how long it has taken the light to reach you. We are small, so enjoy the moments you have on this ridiculously small timeline we have and remember the greatest advice given to us by Bill and Ted. "Be excellent to each other".
I'll also give you a quote by the late Bill Hicks (praise be to this guy)
"I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead -- just play with this -- if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world -- and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded -- we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in peace."
An explanation
Got to say i'm not entirely happy with either of those poems, however, tis but the beginning as the road mender said to the barmaid.
Shall post soon. Must remember to tell people i've started this!!!
Shall post soon. Must remember to tell people i've started this!!!
Pre-Amble
So long the first and last thought
Come crumbling through
a dire dichotomy
a sweet resistance to form a lasting light
to feel the warm embrace
to feel the slight transcend
a tight and unnerving persuasion
a real yet hazy preamble
Come whispering, and I'll unleash my heart!
Trap (a little poem by me)
A cage inside, a cage outside
so emaciated our world
no room to learn, to expand and understand
so easy to trap with superficial demand.
Feal free to say, feel free to do
in a pre-conceived idium
true freedom compressed
true reality transgressed.
90 percent left alone,
10 percent restrained
Morality is subjective
existance, a perspective
OK, first things first. I'm a depressed, bit like being ill, but with way more prejudice. I'm also a wannabe writer of articles and novels and poetry and would like to make a living as one. Very hard to combine these two things as one requires a lot of self confidence, esteem and balls. The other, unfortunately, drags all of these into the gutter and flushes them out quicker than the sewage pipe out of the Thames.
This is my first attempt going public and will be aiming to write a blog airing my views on everything i can think to write on. i may even post a few poems and stuff from time to time.
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