Living with depression volume 1

To start with, it's a real pain in the backside. You know when you you have that nervous feeling before a really big exam or when you've forgotten to do something and you know you're in line for a rollicking. It's a bit like that for most of the day, odd times you forget and you can enjoy yourself, but a word, thought, colour, smell or other such thing will bring you crashing down with a thump. It's almost like you're tied to a wall with elastic, you can only go so far before you get snapped back into your proper place.
After extensive therapy and some help, the elastic is lengthened and the wall changes from brick to a padded (cell) wall, yet still it never goes away. I'm on medication for both depression and anxiety, which means I'm not (cured) but constantly fighting. That's how it feels, a battle every day to even do the simplest things. We all say that it's so hard to get out of bed, or faced the day of go to work on a Monday morning, but we still do it and once we do it we're usually fine. Not so for me. Some days I'm scared to get up, some days it's hard to get in the shower, make a coffee and face the world. Everyone looks at me, what if I make a mistake or slip or draw attention to myself. Sometimes, I'll avoid buses or shops if they're too busy and I'll certainly avoid confrontation in any way shape or form. Forget the garlic bread for my meal and I'll not say a word to avoid fuss.
Why? self-worth, confidence, self esteem and fear of failure/embarrassment/mistakes. All of them are real fears and when you have depression, they can become dominant, consuming and perpetuate the feelings of inadequacy which dominate a depressed.
Am I worthy of  anything? 2 years ago I couldn't understand why people were helping me, I was a lost cause and someone who people should avoid. Forget that, since secondary school I hardly phoned people for fear that they wouldn't want me inflicting myself on them, still don't. My self loathing beast (for dwarfers out there) was and is huge and unrelenting. Other people had relationships and friendships, I was the hanger on who was nice and everything, but was more fun to taunt and make fun of than be a real human being. Whether this was true or not, it was how I felt and this has forged a real blockage and suppression in my life which tends to leave a person a little scarred.
This has got better in later life, my wife, family and friends (you know who u are) have restored the idea that I'm a worthwhile person and in no small way inspired me to this blog and writing my novel, so thank you!